The Ultimate Excellent Adventure of Ultimate Excellence
by MadCow77
Summary: In which the Daleks face the greatest foes they have ever challenged, and the gathering of the five most unlikely heroes the multiverse has ever seen. No longer a one shot, but some kind of irregularly-updated multi-chapter crack fic. Rated M for occasional language.
1. The Ultimate Gathering of Excellent Adv

**Author's Note and Disclaimer**: Warning, contains in-joke, juvenile and/or parodic humour (well, mostly in-joke). Doctor Who is owned by the BBC. Other characters are owned by their respective owners. I do not own anything, possibly not even the story's incredibly silly premise.

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**Chapter 1: The Ultimate Gathering of Excellent Adventurers**

"EXTERMINATE!"

Large pepper shaker-like cyborgs with an egg beater and a toiler plunger for arms roamed across the barren desert in search of survivors. Their long eye stalks, ending with a blue LED light, scanned the horizon, using advanced technological mumbo jumbo to detect both life and un-life. These so-called Daleks were the bane of life throughout the entire universe and for the unfortunate denizens of this planet, it was the end for them. Or was it really?

"Attack, my devout min- I mean followers! Kill these infidels! May their metal exteriors rot in the very depths of hell itself!"

A skinny, dark-skinned human sat cross-legged atop a small rocky plateau, wielding a submachine gun in one hand and a flame thrower in the other. He was bare-chested and wore tattered rags for pants. Below him, his followers swarmed out from every edifice that the the barren wasteland had to offer. Thousands of dark-skinned men in turbans charged the Daleks, firing their weapons into the sky as an intimidating gesture. Some had assault rifles, others had rocket launchers and bazookas, and yet others had katanas and scimitars. Some were even on fire. They swarmed around the Daleks like ants and the war between the armies of Snake Gandhi and the Daleks had begun in its most climactic earnest.

"EXTERMINATE!"

Bullets, rockets and blades struck the advanced force fields that protected the Daleks from harm, and they replied with death rays emitted from their egg beaters. Scores of men fell. Not a single Dalek fell. Things seemed grim for the devout followers of Snake Gandhi, but none would relent. Their forces were practically unlimited; how that was actually possible is not within the scope of this tale, but regardless, due to their logic-defying properties a follower would once in a while hit a weak spot and a Dalek would explode in flames of hot, fiery, burning glory.

Then the equivalent of a thermonuclear explosion rocked the heart of the battlefield, sending humans and Daleks flying. Several unusually-shaped Daleks with ridiculously over-sized weapon turrets emerged from beyond the horizon.

"Special weapons Daleks, EXTERMINATE all humans! EXTERMINATE Snake Gandhi!"

Another one of those Special Weapons Daleks opened fire. The ensuing explosion launched more humans and Daleks skyward.

Another explosion came, but this time the blast was centred around the group of Special Weapons Daleks. It was their turn to feel how it was to be sent skyward. At the source of the blast stood a human. Square-jawed, armed to the brim with all manner of strange weapons both imaginable and unimaginable, he calmly stepped forward and unleashed hell upon the Daleks with frickin' laser beams and plasma bolts.

"Who the fuck are you?" Snake Gandhi screamed at the newcomer. "Who dares to interrupt this most holy battle of battles?"

"I'm Killfuck Soulshitter, you asshole." And with that, he continued to mow down scores of Daleks with twin-linked Bobaser Maser Laser Raser Schmaser guns. "Come get some!"

"Mayday! Mayday! Request more reinforcements!" the Daleks screamed as the combined forces of Snake Gandhi and Killfuck Soulshitter wiped the floor with the Daleks.

In response to their mayday, the saucer-shaped Dalek mothership that was hovering high above the atmosphere launched new waves of flying Daleks. Those Daleks who were sent flying from the Special Weapons Daleks before also stopped flying skyward, and flew downward. "EXTERMINATE!" they screamed as they pelted the ground with death rays that brought fatal death to anything that they hit.

"Get down here and fight like a man!" Killfuck challenged as death rays glanced off his stasis shield.

"We are not like you humans!" the Daleks challenged and intensified their fire, concentrating their attack on Killfuck himself. The explosions kicked up a huge amount of dust, obscuring the aftermath of the Dalek's assault for dramatic effect. Then a gust of wind blew the dust cloud away, and Killfuck was still standing. But standing before him was a holy man, dressed in robes from ancient biblical times, and he stood in an awesome pose that would blind even the blind, thus making him even more awesome than Kung Fu Panda himself.

"Thanks for that dramatic entrance, Kung Fu Jesus."

"It keeps on coming and coming, doesn't it?" Snake Gandhi lifted his arms up in frustration.

"EXTERMINATE!" The Daleks renewed their assault on the duo, but Kung Fu Jesus simply stood with his feet rooted to the spot, moving his arms at blinding speed and deflecting the death rays with is bare hands. Some of the deflected bolts were thrown back towards the Dalek army, blowing up scores of their number in return.

"Daleks, we are no match for his kung fu! We must _gattai_ to form Dalek Robo!"

"They're gonna gut some fucking Thais?" Killfuck asked.

"Preposterous!" Snake Gandhi replied.

Kung Fu Jesus' mouth moved, but the words that came from it were out of sync with his lips. "No, they are combining their power. Look!"

Multiple Daleks combined with one another, like smaller cogs of a larger whole, becoming a gigantic humanoid-shaped robot with an egg beater and a toilet plunger for arms. It raised its arms and lowered its pose, striking a kung fu stance that shook the very ground itself like an earthquake. It then threw a punch at Kung Fu Jesus, who parried the blow but was still thrown several hundred yards back and leaving a trail of sand and dust in his wake.

"Their kung fu is strong!"

_Dakka dakka dakka dakka dakka_! The sound of machine gun-fire rattled the air, as a bearded man with blond hair and a red headband emerged over the horizon firing at the gigantic Dalek Robo with a pair of automatic rifles. Some of the bullets ricocheted within the gaps and openings of the Dalek Robo, causing internal explosions. One arm was severed in the process, falling to the ground and exploding in the most spectacular fashion.

"Chuck Norris?!" Everyone exclaimed.

"What? Who?"

"You. You're Chuck Norris, aren't you?"

"Who me? No. Who the hell is this Chuck Norris dude anyway?"

Killfuck scratched his head. "So who the fuck are you anyway?"

"I'm called The Walker. I heard that you all needed some help, so here I am." The Walker fired another salvo towards the Dalek Robo's remaining arm and it too fell, exploding and showering the land in sparks and smoke.

"The Walker? Is that like some kind of Time Lord name or something?" Killfuck asked.

"Time who?"

"Nevermind."

"We will not be bested!" the remaining Daleks declared. "Emperor Dalek mothership, _gattai_!"

The enormous saucer hovering from above descended towards what remained of the Dalek Robo, and they began morphing. Like little mechanical nano-thingamajigs, bit by bit they shifted and reformed and became a bigger robot than Dalek Robo. "Ultimate Dalek Robo, complete!"

"Blast! I'm out of followers!" Snake Gandhi declared.

Frickin' lasers of death and destruction rained on the Ultimate Dalek Robo, but they simply bounced off its superdense armoured hull made out of plotonium. "It's immune to my weapons!" Killfuck Soulshitter said.

"Ngggggggggghhhhhhhhhh…" Kung Fu Jesus struck a pose, his fists clenched tightly by both sides of his waist. Mystical chi energy was drawn to him from the land, while rocks and other pieces of scenery began floating and orbiting around him for no particular reason. "Ngggggghhhhhhhhhhh…"

"Is he taking a dump or what?" Killfuck asked, scratching his head.

The Walker observed Kung Fu Jesus through some fancy eyepiece monocle thingy, and it clicked and beeped as high tech gadgets are wont to do. "His chi… it's over NINE…"

"…"

"That's it? Just nine?" Killfuck asked, perplexed.

"Nine DOTS, you dimwit! It's over nine DOTS! Do you know how much that's worth? How much XP it takes to get that far?"

Snake Gandhi, who had been listening in from atop his personal plateau, simply shrugged. "What is this I don't even…"

"Nggggggghhhhhhhhhh… Kung Fu Jesus Ultimate Galaxy Mega Nega Giga Heaven's Starlight Breaking Smasher… SHOOT!"

The biggest, most bad-ass beam this story has ever seen shot out from the outstretched palms of Kung Fu Jesus towards Ultimate Dalek Robo, but it was already prepared for the blast and fired off a Megadeath Ray of its own. The two beams collided in midstream, pushing against one another for dominance.

"Yaaaaaaaaaaaarrrgh!" Kung Fu Jesus grunted as he struggled to maintain the beam.

"Wait, since when does Kung Fu Jesus do beamspams?" Killfuck asked.

The Walker shrugged. "Beats me, Killfuck. Why don't you ask him yourself?"

But Kung Fu Jesus was unavailable for comment. Sweat drops trickled from his brow as he strained himself even harder to maintain his beam, but it looked like the Megadeath Ray was gaining ground, and soon it had nearly reached the outstretched palms of Kung Fu Jesus himself.

Then suddenly, the most pungent smell permeated the battlefield. Everyone was forced to cover their noses, except Snake Gandhi who was used to such earthen smells. "What the fuck is this?"

"Danger! Danger! Internal systems contamination detected!" The Ultimate Dalek Robo seemed to quaver, then its legs buckled and gave way before the entire thing toppled over, breaking up into a million Daleks. They showered the desert with a tremendous boom, kicking up sand everywhere. The ensuing explosion lit the sand cloud up with multicoloured lights as if it was the end of a stage play. The pungent smell persisted for a while before slowly dissipating and allowing everyone to regain their senses.

"That smell… you don't think…"

"Yes I do," The Walker answered Killfuck.

"Hey dudes, what's up?" A somewhat ordinary-looking potbellied man appeared from the dust, holding a packet of cheerios in one hand and a half-eaten pizza in the other. "Sorry I'm late, guys. Can I borrow somebody's dice? I left mine in the toilet."

"It's Catpiss Man!" everyone declared. "Run away! Run away!"

Before any of the said running could happen, however, a well-groomed middle-aged black man dressed in a white suit walked in from seemingly out of nowhere and greeted them all. "Ah, so everyone's gathered here at last."

"Morgan Freeman!" everyone exclaimed.

"Morgan who?"

"You! You're Morgan Freeman, aren't you?"

"Who, me? No, I'm God. What makes you think I am Morgan Freeman?"

"If you're God, why do you look like Morgan Freeman?" Snake Gandhi challenged.

"Look, I don't know where you get your ideas from, but this is how I look."

Killfuck spat to the ground. "Look dude, as much as I hate to say it, but that's not very convincing."

"Really? This is how you people greet your maker these days? For the last time, I'm God, goddammit."

"Does anyone else find it ironic that God himself said 'goddammit'?" The Walker asked.

"Everyone, this is going nowhere," Kung Fu Jesus said, spreading his hands to ask everyone to stand down. "So dad, what have you gathered us here for?"

"You are to address me as Father, you…" God sighed, placing his palm on his face. "Anyway, I've gathered the five of you here in order to-"

"To save the universe?" Snake Gandhi interrupted. He was met with a blank stare, so he continued. "That's what you were going to say, weren't you?"

"Well, not exactly…"

"But that's what you would say, wouldn't you? Why else would someone gather five great legends of the universe together? To make a campfire and sing happy songs?"

"Well, I was going to say, 'save the multiverse'. So technically, you're still wrong."

"Multiverse, schmultiverse," Snake Gandhi mumbled.

"What manner of foe would challenge God himself and threaten the very fabric of creation itself?" Kung Fu Jesus asked.

"It's 'multiverse'. And the answer to that, my sons, lies inside here." God produced a soft-cover book, its pages mostly in near-mint condition but with some pages already coming off from the book's spine. "Within this sacred tome lies the Rules of Creation. An enemy who calls himself the Suitor has entered this tome and is rewriting the rules to his or her own whims as we speak. It would cause an incredulous schism that would ripple throughout the multiverse, altering the laws of the universe to the Suitor's personal whims and fancy."

"By 'his or her', you mean you have no idea who or what this 'Suitor' is?" Killfuck asked.

"The Suitor is the most dangerous opponent that you shall ever face. Do not underestimate him or her. So heroes, please sally forth and enter this book, journeying throughout infinite worlds in search of this Suitor and save the multiverse, for the sake of the multiverse and everyone in the multiverse!"

"He's not even listening," Killfuck said.

The Walker simply shrugged. "He also said 'multiverse' three times."

"Silence!" Kung Fu Jesus looked pissed. "Why do you bicker amongst yourselves when the very fabric of creation itself is at stake? Why can't we set aside our petty differences and take on this most noble quest as bequeathed by my dad?"

"It's 'multiverse'. And 'father'."

Snake Gandhi nodded in agreement, though no one was looking in his direction to notice. "The very peace of the multiverse is at stake! I for one will not stand to that! I shall go."

"Aye," Killfuck agreed.

"I shall abide by dad's request," Kung Fu Jesus said.

"'Father'."

"If that's the decision, what the hell. Count me in," The Walker said. "But will someone wake Catpiss Man up please?"

"I'll do it," Killfuck said with a sigh, then proceeded to give the lad a swift kick in the rear with his hardened boot.

"Sorry, did I miss anything?" Catpiss Man said as he shot up, now fully alert. "Is it time for combat yet?"

"You. Into book. Now," Killfuck instructed.

So God held the book containing the Rules of Creation wide open, nearly cracking the spine in the process. The words within the book began to glow, and soon the whole two-page spread glowed with bright light. It was like a beacon, a light at the end of the tunnel, and the five of them were sucked in. To what end? What further adventures await these five?

Only the author knows!

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**Epilogue**:

"Wait guys, I think I got the name wrong," God announced, but everyone had already stepped into the book. "Oh well, I guess it doesn't really matter now."

He shut the book and heaved a long sigh, staring out into the starry night sky like all wise men beyond their years are wont to do.

"Suitor, Suethor, what's the difference anyway?"

**END**. (apparently, probably, for now, etc)

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**Author's Note**: Alright, I suppose this is the part where you pelt me with rotten vegetables. :-)


	2. The Apocalypse Cometh

**Author's Note**: So apparently I decided that this story isn't going to be a one-shot after all! However, please do not expect any sort of regularity in terms of updates. I only write crazy shit when crazy shit comes to me, and the chances of that are as high as some crazy chick on a vespa rolling up to me and whacking me in the head with an electric guitar!

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**Chapter 2: The Apocalypse Cometh**

A large gaping hope in the multiverse, like a tear in the fabric of time-space, shaped like an oval rimmed with yellow energy of the universe, surreptitiously deposited our heroes onto the leafy ground of a forest. That is, except for Snake Gandhi, who somehow managed to stop himself one foot off the ground, hovering while cross-legged like some kind of Indian mahaguru, before gently lowering himself onto the bed of dry grass with a subtle crunch.

"Hey, that's no fair," Killfuck Soulshitter said, observing Snake Gandhi's gentle touchdown. "Besides, isn't this floaty kind of shit supposed to be right up Kung Fu Jesus' department?"

"Silence, grasshopper," Snake Gandhi said. "There are some things you are not brought upon this world to get!"

"Whatever." Killfuck waved a dismissive gesture. "Hey Walker, figure out where the fuck this is?"

"We are in a forest," the Texan said wisely. "A forest of many trees."

"No shit, Sherlock." Killfuck paced back and forth, seemingly agitated.

"It's the serene, pastel-coloured _everything_ of this place that's getting to you, isn't it?" Catpiss Man said. He licked his finger and raised it above his head. "Even the air has some kind of sweetness to it."

"How the fuck do you even taste the air with your finger?" Snake Gandhi brought both palms to his face. "In any case, we'd better head down that path. It's sure to lead us somewhere."

"The man is right," Kung Fu Jesus said and was the first to walk down the indicated path. No one questioned whether the path existed or not before being pointed out by Snake Gandhi. It was, indeed, a Schrödinger's path.

"I don't like it, man." Killfuck seemed to shiver despite the warmth and the peaceful feeling that the forest seemed to convey. "Everything is so pastel and calm and happy. If we meet fucking talking ponies next I'm outta here."

"Ponies, right from the get go? Whoa dude, awesome," Catpiss Man chattered excitedly.

"No one said there will be ponies. Or geckos for that matter." Killfuck spat onto the ground for good measure.

And so the group trudged along the lonely forest path in single file, with Kung Fu Jesus leading the group like some wizened old wizard leading a fellowship of colourful characters down on an epic quest to save the world. Soon enough, the forest parted to reveal a luscious landscape with plains of long, emerald green grass gently swaying to the cool breeze under a blue sky. Far away, they could spot what looked like a wooden cottage with a column of smoke rising from its chimney. The group marched towards the only object of interest in this brightly pastel-coloured world.

"So Jesus, tell me something." Killfuck walked up to the holy man's side. "How did you get so good at kung fu?"

"It's a long story," Kung Fu Jesus replied. "But the short version of it is, some kind of smart alec sent a cyborg assassin back in time to protect me. I was supposed to die for humanity, but this idiot kept saving me from the Romans, shot Judas in the chest, stopped the zombie apocalypse and literally followed me everywhere. So instead of returning to the Kingdom of Heaven, I spent over two thousand years honing my skills and fighting all manner of assassins sent from the future."

"But that doesn't make sense," Snake Gandhi said. "Wouldn't that cause a ripple in time, altering the entire course of history as we know it? Walker, don't you know something about that?"

"What makes you think I know anything?"

"Aren't you like, _The_ Walker? As in, Time Lord title and what not?"

"I don't know what you're smoking, man." The Texan shrugged his shoulders, put on a pair of sun glasses and proceeded to look up towards the sky. "And not that I want to change the subject, but what the heck is that?"

"Is it a bird?" Catpiss Man asked.

"Is it a plane?" Killfuck Soulshitter added.

"It's not fucking Superman, you idiots!" Snake Gandhi threw his hands up in the air. "What do you think this is, some kind of joke?"

"It looks like… a pony," Kung Fu Jesus said, causing everyone to turn and stare.

"No shit," Killfuck said. "Are you fucking kidding me? Ponies? Really, on the first world already?"

As the pony closed in on the group, they observed that it soared without any visible means of flight. It had a bright yellow mane and tail, but its orange body seemed to be covered in all manner of warts and pimples. With a deep and resonating, movie trailer guy type of voice, it boomed: "I'm Pestilence Pony!"

"What the fuck," Snake Gandhi said.

"Look out!" The Walker showered the air with bullets as the Pestilence Pony began shedding a strange cloud of sickly green gas. The pony began taking evasive manoeuvres, flitting around erratically to avoid The Walker's first salvo. Fortunately for the group, this forced the Pony to abandon its pestilence cloud in favour of going into full defence. It spun around in circles several times, and then stopped short just out of range of The Walker's furthest attacks. It said, "Hasta la vista, babe. I'll be back!" and then sped away from the group.

Killfuck Soulshitter threw his hands up in the air. "Man what."

"That pony… wasn't nice," Catpiss Man said, his hopes at meeting Twilight Sparkle and Princess Luna shattered. Not that any such pony or unicorn would ever want to associate with one such as him, but what do we know?

"Whatever, let's head to that house over there before Pestilence Pony decides to return with more of its kind," The Walker said, pointing towards the cabin which they saw earlier. And so the five of them trudged on, constantly wary and on the lookout for more flying ponies in the sky, but fortunately none came. They soon reached the cabin without incident. However, the group observed that the door of the cabin was wide open, so they approached it with the utmost caution that a rag-tag, noisy collection of adventurers can afford. In short, none whatsoever.

"I say we just lob a Nova Flash Grenade and call it a day." Killfuck juggled a trio of grenades in his hands.

"Dude, don't waste ammo until we know there's something in there we can actually kill and take its stuff," Catpiss Man said. "Besides, I can easily draw them out. I just need someone to pull my finger for me."

"Ewww." Snake Gandhi pinched his nostrils for dramatic effect. "Don't tell me you're gonna do what I think you're gonna do. I'd rather scout the place myself than to let any of you nut jobs handle it."

"Fine, just don't burn the house down until we can search it for any loot," Catpiss Man said.

And so the four of them watched from a safe distance — behind the typical bush — as Snake Gandhi slowly crept towards the cabin. As he approached the side, he dropped to all fours and hid himself inside a cardboard box. The overturned brown delivery box then slid under a window and towards the open door. It stopped short just before the door itself, then it stayed still for some time. After a brief period of inactivity, the box was finally cast aside as Snake Gandhi got up to his feet. He waved towards the group, motioning them to approach.

"What did you find?" The Walker asked.

"It's empty. Seems to have been burnt from the insides. Nothing left but ashes and some skeletons," Snake Gandhi said.

Catpiss Man popped his head out of the bush next. "Did you find any loot?"

"Like I said, man. Nothing left but ashes and some skeletons."

"Well did you search the skeletons?"

Snake Gandhi sighed. "Well, be my guest."

As Catpiss Man searched every nook and cranny, scanned every square foot and examined every imaginable and unimaginable section of the house, the others regrouped outside to reconsider their options. From their vantage point, there was nothing else of interest so they argued on which direction to continue their journey. Their discussions grew livelier until Catpiss Man could no longer concentrate, failing all his search checks due to distraction. "Oi, a little peace and quiet please?"

Fortunately, other distractions began to show up and prevented the group from continuing their noisy discourse. Over on the horizon, The Walker spotted a tiny speck in the sky. As it drew closer, it became rather obvious that they were facing a flying pony.

"Oh look, Pestilence Pony is back for some more," Killfuck Soulshitter said.

"And it looks like he brought some friends," Walker added.

Three other ponies swooped in and joined Pestilence Pony.

"I am Famine Pony," said the blue one.

"I am War Pony," the maroon one with a bright red mane and tail said.

The black pony with bone-white mane reared up and let out a great war cry. "I am Death Pony!"

"Watch out for that read one. I think he breathes fire," Catpiss Man whispered to Snake Gandhi.

"And what are you telling me this for?"

"Well, I thought you might be able to fight fire with fire. Or something."

"Who do you think I am, some kind of Indian yoga master or something?"

"No, but you do have a flamethrower on you, yes?"

Snake Gandhi sighed. "Fine, fine, I'll take the red one."

And so our heroes clashed with the apocalypse ponies, and a great battle commenced. They battled each other for hours, but neither side could gain any advantage over one another. Pestilence Pony's toxic mist was the deadliest thing that mankind had ever known, but Catpiss Man was able to withstand all manner of toxin due to the many Advantages that he had taken for himself. On the other hand, the evil pony was also completely immune to any toxicity exhumed by the Catpiss Man himself.

Over at the other end of the battlefield, Snake Gandhi fought fire with fire, but both being excellent masters at burning things to the ground, their attacks simply cancelled out each other's.

Famine Pony was master of thirst and famine, being used to laying waste to humanity with a wave of a single hoof. However, Kung Fu Jesus was no stranger to starvation. Kung fu and fasting were the two top-ranking abilities in his portfolio, and all the pony could do was to stay out of reach of Kung Fu Jesus' leaping kicks and dodge his kamehamehas (or whatever he called them).

Death Pony was prepared to lay waste on both Killfuck Soulshitter and The Walker, but neither one of them gave a single fuck that day. Both sides traded death rays and explosive balls of fire with each other, but all three of them were veterans of war and the smell of napalm simply heightened their senses and adrenaline to superhuman levels. They burnt down forests, demolished random villages and orphanages that they came across and flattened the land in their attempts to blow each other up.

Finally, the four ponies of the apocalypse regrouped and flew high up, out of reach even from Killfuck Soulshitter's longest-reaching guns. Death Pony, apparently their leader, spoke from their high position. "Bow down to us now, or our master will wipe you from the face of all reality."

"We ain't bowing to no one," The Walker retorted.

"Get down here so that we can kick your ass," Killfuck Soulshitter taunted.

"I fart in your general direction!" Catpiss Man showed the ponies his posterior.

"Eww, that's gross," said Snake Gandhi.

"Who is your master?" Kung Fu Jesus asked.

"Our master is one who will reshape the world in his image. He shall bring forth the next armageddon. He shall wipe all the unclean from this world and realise a new era of rule, where we four shall sit by his side as master and pony."

"You don't mean, that Suitor fella that God mentioned?" Snake Gandhi asked.

"Do not look down upon our master like he is some charlatan sorcerer!"

"I suppose that answers your question," The Walker said.

Killfuck Soulshitter raised his fist at the four ponies. "Well go tell your master that we're coming for him, that we're gonna shove the four of you down where the light don't shine!"

"We will inform him of your insolence." And so the four apocalypse ponies left, leaving our heroes stranded on this strange world of charred and burnt colours, where black smoke rose from whichever direction they looked and where clouds as black as night blanketed the sky. The smell of ash and napalm filled their nostrils while the hot, searing wind burnt their flesh. Was this the end for our heroes? Was this the apocalypse that the chapter title alluded to?

"I see that you five are in quite a pinch." God appeared and walked over towards the five, his body surrounded by a glowing aura of blue.

"Dude, since when did you become a Jedi?" Snake Gandhi said.

"A Jedi? Me? No way," was God's reply.

"But you're all blue and glowy," Killfuck retorted.

"Oh this? That's because I'm only projecting myself into this world. I'm actually sitting up here in the Kingdom of Heaven, lying on a hammock over golden sands, sipping on a tropical punch while-"

"Too much information!" Snake Gandhi screamed.

"It's rude to interrupt dad like that," Kung Fu Jesus admonished.

"You mean 'father', my son."

"Right, dad."

"Father."

"Right."

"I'd hate to interrupt your touching family reunion here boys, but how the heck do we get the hell out of this hellhole?" The Walker said.

"Tsk… language," Killfuck Soulshitter admonished.

"You're the one to talk… fucker."

"Fuck you, uncle fucker."

"This had better not degenerate into a musical," Snake Gandhi said as his palm went up to his face.

"Please ignore the rabble and their petty squabbles, dad-"

"Father."

"Right. And please tell us where do we proceed from here."

"It seems that the Suethor has thus far eluded you five, and instead sent his four lieutenants to intercept you. Unsuccessfully, I'd say, otherwise we wouldn't be having this conversation. Since this world is a dead end, I suppose your next course of action is to head on to the next world and see if you'll have better luck over there."

"Right, so how do we do that, genius?" Killfuck tossed a burnt cigar onto the ground and squashed it under his boot.

"Did you just waste a perfectly good cigar just to execute that pose?" Snake Gandhi shook his head in disappointment.

"Hey, it's my cigar and I decide what to do with it."

"Simply walk into the portal." With a gesture of his hand, God created a mirror to another world. It had an oval frame of bluish energy, and in the mirror itself they saw what looked like a fairly ordinary medieval village complete with some wise guy in robes standing next to a well and a blue box.

Catpiss Man squinted his eyes. "I have a bad feeling about this."

"So we go to a crappy town where Jesus here gets to be a hero," Killfuck said.

"Weren't you the one who said, 'if we meet talking ponies I'm outta here'?" Snake Gandhi strode towards the portal and was the first to enter it. Over on the other side, he waved back at the four, beckoning them to follow. And so they did, marching onward towards the next adventure that awaited them!

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**Author's Note**: And so it was not said in the Book of Proverbs that the outraged readers cast the author into the hottest pits of chilies and peppers and pelted him with rotten vegetables and horse manure.


End file.
